With a tiara and a little confidence, we could change our world. -Topaz

There is a little girl in all of us whose heart still skips a beat at the fairy tale story of a princess. We were captivated by Princess Diana, and we are enamored with Princess Kate. Who does not want to be that girl?

Even now, no matter how old we are, there is still a little something in us all, who wants to be the princess in the story, who wants to be the princess in our own story. When we watch a movie like Princess Diaries or The Prince and Me, there is still a little girl inside imagining for a second what that would feel like.

We get older and realize it is not even all about a prince charming.   Princess Diana definitely did not have a fairy tale marriage, but we were enamored with her, not her Prince.  And in the first Princess Diaries, there really is no significant love interest. It is about her. It is about being that girl…the way she walks, the way she talks, the way she acts. She is a leading lady.

What we are really wanting to be is a leading lady.

In these stories, while there is a title, is it the title that really matters? Even when Princess Diana was no longer a princess, she was still a princess in our hearts.  And that is my point. When we want to be the princess in our own story or the leading lady in our own story, it is about how walk, talk, act, and how we carry ourselves.

It begins with a decision, a decision to let our inner princess out, our leading lady.

Then there must be action. We must be intentional about the way we live and the choices we make.

1. Build your confidence. 
2. Read an etiquette book.
3. Be intentional with your style.
4. Be a kind person.
5. Set aside some of your time for others, for causes, for something bigger than yourself.

One of our local news anchors, Octavia Mitchell, recently was the Mistress of Ceremony at a winter gala. She looked like a princes complete with her coach. I remember looking at these pictures and thinking to myself that every woman should have that moment, the moment where she is dressed like a princess, complete with the dress and a tiara, and the coach was a nice touch, too. Or she should know what it feels like to walk the red carpet. Or to have paparazzi following her taking her picture. I remember watching  The Talk once, and Melissa Peterman who played Barbara Jean on Reba was sharing a story of when Reba invited her out on stage at a concert of hers and how everyone applauded and cheered and how fantastic it was. She said everyone woman should know what that feels like. There should be a place where any woman could walk up on stage and be cheered and applauded. I loved her for saying that. Whether we do any of these things (which I absolutely think we should) or not, know that you are still just as amazing as every princess, and you are the leading lady of your own life.

Shine on, my beautiful friend. Shine on.

We all live lives that at some point will lead us down a dark path. We lose our joy and our hope. We seem unable to take our eyes off the problem and are lost in despair. I have been there and am here to say that there is light on the other side of darkness.

This is to all those who are lost and hurting.

7 Steps Out of the Darkness

• Start where you are. If it’s just remembering to just breathe and to remind yourself to take one day at a time and do not worry about down the road. Just focus on today. This moment.  I was so low a few years ago that this is where I had to start. Start where you are.
• Write. Write your thoughts. Write to God. This is healing and good for the soul. God meets us in the sacred places of our deepest thoughts.
• Create. Do something that stirs the creator in you. It could be photography, painting, art journaling, crafts, cooking or whatever you enjoy doing, but take time to create. Take nothing and make it something. It puts our soul at peace.
• Be grateful…even for little things. Each day write three different things for which you are grateful to have in your life. It could be something as small as being thankful for a warm pair of socks on a cold day, lotion to soothe dry hands, etc. No matter what is going on in our lives, there is always something good. Remember those things every day.
• Read. Read something good for the soul – the Bible, quotes, or an inspirational book. It is important to feed yourself from the good and the inspirational, a little chicken soup for the soul. 
• Laughter is good medicine. Read or watch something funny. Sometimes we forget how healing laughter can be in our lives.
• Distract yourself. Many times we are so focused on the problem that we forget that there is anything else out there. In the movie, What About Bob, he was given the advice to take a vacation from his problems.  This is actually a good idea. It can be a much needed reprieve, and sometimes just the thing to break the cycle and to remind us there is still life to be lived. Distract yourself with a great novel, a hobby, a passion, or a new adventure. Just focus on something other than where you are right now. It will help to clear your head. Many times we are stuck simply because we  have not moved forward. 

You will have good days and bad days on your journey out of the darkness. A bad day is not a setback. It is simply part of the process. Just keep taking the actions above as you continue walking out of the darkness.

Our situation may or may not change, but we will. Blooming is still possible even when our world has been turned upside down.

So much more is in our grasp than we ever dreamed possible. We are capable of more than we think. The worst thing we can do is accept the status quo. If it’s always been that way, then that is the way it will always be…for me.

If there is something that you want, or a life you want to have, why are you just wishing for it? What if you see someone well-dressed, and think you would love to do dress well like that, but say to yourself that you don’t know how? Then learn how. What if you don’t have the money? Shop consignment stores and good will stores, or shop sales. Save money in other areas and start a clothing fund. Yes, maybe you won’t be able to go out and get an outfit every time you want, but in time you will have put together a nice wardrobe. The biggest thing is just to learn how.

What if you want a nice house? Yes, maybe that is a much bigger issue than the clothes, but until then, work with what you have, meaning make what you have nice. I have seen amazing rooms put together on a budget when you know what you are doing. Again, the biggest step comes down to learning how. A little cleaning, decluttering goes a long way. Add a coat of fresh paint to that, and you have a great foundation. Many of us are content to say, “I just don’t know how to do that.” Were you born knowing how to read or write? No. You learned how. And you can learn anything else, too. The only thing that is stopping you is you.

And let me offer you a word of caution about the naysayers. Some will say that you need to be happy with who you are, and they will proudly boast how they are. Well, for one, how do we know the way you WANT to be isn’t the real you? Maybe the person you are now isn’t the real you. Maybe right now, you are a product of negative things in your life that got you stuck. And two, these people that tell you to be happy with the way you are, like they are, are rarely as happy with themselves as they say they are. Many times it’s just bravado, and is a learned response. And who’s to say that they wouldn’t benefit from a little change themselves? Ignore them.

What if we want to grow and be a better person, letting go of the things that have held us back for far too many years? Anything is possible. The changes in my life over the last couple of years have been amazing. The things that I have written about on the Be a Leading Lady website are the things I have done or have learned, and it’s been an amazing journey, a journey that anyone can take. My life is far from perfect, but it’s what I am choosing to make out of myself and the life I am creating that makes it a life worth living, a life that makes me happy. We must live life on purpose if we want to be happy. Create the life you want to live.

It’s not the life you’re given that matters as much as what you do with it. If you took any of the people that you admire and placed them in your life, playing your part, they would begin creating a different life. Likewise, if you were placed in their life, it would begin to look just like the life you have now. It’s us that we must change if we want a different life.

What we need is not someone else’s life but a paradigm shift for our own life. And when you begin to change your thinking, you begin to see new possibilities and then start to take action to make it happen. It’s time to change our thinking and begin creating the life we want to live.

What do you want to change in your life today? What do you want to be better tomorrow, and what steps today can you start taking to make that happen?

It can be so difficult finding that wonderful and inspirational gift that is off the beaten path, that gift that you just might not think of normally when you are shopping. I know. I just went through it myself. I know that not every gift I give will be inspirational, but I do love to find a great inspirational gift when I can. I think they do more than fill up our valuable space, they give the gift of inspiration throughout the year. So I decided to share with you the gold gift nuggets that I found on my journey and will keep adding more as I go.

These are also great ideas for the difficult person to buy for!

1. Inspirational Leather Cuff – The PERFECT Handcrafted Gift Idea! Give the gift that will inspire and encourage them all year long!
2. Flameless Wax Candle – This just makes me feel good, and I don’t have to worry about forgetting to turn it off. Many flameless wax candles come with a remote and timer. How cool is that!
3. The Things That Matter by Nate Berkus – A different kind of home design book
4. Wireless Keyboard and Mouse – This is great for the person with a desktop, or a person with a laptop who works a lot on it and wants to get the keyboard and the screen placed more ergonomically. This one may not seem inspiring or comforting, but when you are a writer with carpal tunnel, or wanting to prevent wrist injury, trust me, getting your wrists and hands at the correct level while keeping your head and neck straight is a beautiful thing.
5. Comfy throw – I purchased one last year or the year before from Target, that I’m pretty sure they do not sell anymore, and I love it so much! I have never loved a throw this much in my life.Stay tuned….as I find more ideas, I will be posting them. Please feel free to post your ideas in the comments! They might even make it to the list!
6. A Special Box – I have loved special boxes since I was a little girl. It was like going treasure hunting, and to this day I am a huge fan of them. I have some the boys made for me when they were little, and some I have bought. I love them and use them all.

Also, take a peak at our recommended reading list for great book ideas.

What we do when we are at crossroads in our life or during difficult times tells people a lot about who we are. But it is even more telling about where we are going. Rough times are not the time to give up. They are the time to leap, because great things lie ahead. Our life is a series of ebb and flow, ups and downs, and many of the best things come after a difficult time or life-changing experience. But as we all know, these times are difficult while we are going through them.

At these times in our life, we get to decide who we are going to be. When we have lost something in our life it can place us us at these crossroads. It could be a lost relationship, job or something else that meant a lot to us or something that we felt defined us or something that we never thought we could live without. But we usually find that we can. And not only that, there is most likely a better job, or better relationship, or better life experiences waiting for us. Sometimes the growth alone by the choice of how we decide to walk through it is a big part of the amazing new life that awaits us. And sometimes these experiences are the catalyst to bring about a good change in our lives that we might not have been brave enough to bring about ourselves.

I was watching the new show Malibu Country with Reba McEntire and Lily Tomlin last week. It’s about a woman whose husband cheated on her, and she left him, so she left Nashville and moved to Malibu with her two children and mother to start her life over and to reignite her own singing career. At one point, everything seemed to be going wrong, and she was ready to pack up and move back to Nashville. And her mother offered her these words of wisdom:

“Oh baby, you gave up your voice once and here you have a chance to find it again. Don’t you go back just because it’s hard right now.” -Lillie Mae (Lily Tomlin) Malibu Country – Reba McEntire’s new show

So when we find ourselves at these crossroads, remember to leap, because great things are ahead. Stop resisting and use this opportunity for growth and change.

This is where I am at in life right now. Things aren’t easy and haven’t been for a few years. Things were so bad two years ago that I left myself two sticky notes, one reminding me to breathe, and the other reminding me to take one day at a time. Thinking too far ahead was, let’s just say, a hyperventilating experience. I didn’t have to think about any of that that very second, just today, and to just breathe.

It’s three years later now, and I have survived, even learned to be happy and found my joy, even though my circumstances haven’t changed. I also like to think that I have grown. A lot. I like who I am a lot more now. I guess in these moments, we only have two options, to go up or to go down. Staying the same usually isn’t one of the choices anymore. Now my daily reminder is on my bracelet, and it says….Leap.

This isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve learned in life that the tough times are going to come, and I’ve also learned they are great opportunities to take us to new and better levels. Past experience has taught me that this is always true.

So right now…I’m choosing to be brave and to leap, to leap into being who I was destined to be, to leap onto the stepping stone that God has provided to something even greater.

What will you choose when at the crossroads of life? What will you choose today?

I read  What I Know Now: Letters to My Younger Self by Ellyn Spragins and found myself reflecting on the question: What would I tell my younger self? It is definitely an interesting read, and oh, if we could only go back and give our  younger selves advice.  Many of us have learned a lot of things the hard way. We just do not have enough good leading lady role models telling the younger girls/women what they need to know.  Think of the life of regrets that we could save younger girls and women.  Some things cannot be undone.

Some things can affect our lives for a very long time, if not forever.

Here is my list of what I would tell my younger self.  I will probably come back from time to time and update it, but it’s a start.

When you think about it, twenty years from now, we will be looking back at the very place we are now and thinking that we wish we could go back and give our present self advice.  Oh, the difference time, experience, and a little objectiveness can make.

I think twenty years from now, I would be telling my present self this:

Don’t waste today worrying about yesterday or tomorrow. The greatest tragedy of all is to waste today. -Simply Topaz

What would you tell your younger self?

Did you ever think that maybe the person that we want to be is the person that we are meant to be? Maybe the desire is our true self pulling us where we need to be. Go ahead and take the first step and just start owning it. If you want to be confident, then act confident. If you want to be adventurous, then go on an adventure. If you want to be brave, then do something that scares you. Go after the life you want. It just might be the life that you were destined to have.

We often think we must feel or be something first before we do it, but rarely does anything work like that. Many times we think someone is confident, adventerous, or brave but come to find out, they feel just like the rest of us. The only difference is they do it anyway. And that is how we learn these things. Once we have read enough, watch enough people do it, it will all come down to us practicing it. Sometimes we must do it before we feel like it.

Think about how we learn or do anything. Do people usually feel that they can swim before they learn how and practice it? No. They feel it after they have spent many hours learning it and then many more hours practicing it. The same goes for playing an instrument. We never feel like we can do it before we learn and practice. It’s after those many hours that we then FEEL it. Let’s suppose for one moment that this could apply to confidence. I don’t know anyone who wants to lack confidence but many of us do at different points in our lives. So what if we take this principle and use it for confidence. We will only feel it by practicing it. Actors and actresses do this all the time. When we are watching a movie we believe that the actors are feeling everything they are acting, but for all practical purposes, they are acting. The interesting thing about this is the more we practice something the more we feel it, and the more people respond to us as such, which then in turn makes us feel it even more.

Take, for instance, someone who wants to be more adventurous. But they are not in the habit of being adventurous. If this person started going on more adventures, they are going to start to feel excited, brave, and adventurous. And you know what? People are going to start looking at their lives and treating them like they are adventurous.

The main thing we have to do is just to decide what we want. More than likely, if it is something that we really want, it is who we are meant to be. Many people feel that we are naturally who we we are, but I do not believe this. I believe that because of many various factors that some of us rarely live up or reach our full potential. The reason I say this is many times who we are naturally is not who we really are. It’s who we are because of what we have gone through. It could even be an old wound that has stunted your growth. But just because this is who you are today, it does not mean it is who you were meant to be or who you will be tomorrow.

Putting it into practice:

In your journal, describe the person you want to be. What type of traits does she have? Place these traits on a chart or in columns. List under each trait behaviors that a person with that trait would exhibit. Choose from this list each day or each week. Keep it by your bed and add or change it as you grow. The most important thing is to remember that in order to change, you must change what you are doing. Read more on how to be confident and take a 30 day challenge by The Art of a Beautiful Life.

Find a time and place of solitude. Look into the distance, and into the future. Visualize the tomorrow you are going to build – and begin to build that tomorrow, today. -Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Who is this sassy, fun thing?

When I saw this picture for the first time in many years, I held it and studied it as if seeing it for the first time. I could not believe it was me. I felt much like Barbara Streisand’s character in the movie, The Mirror Has Two Faces, when she saw a picture she had never seen of herself when she was a little girl. I thought, “This is me? I was cute, fun, happy, loved and confident?”

As I looked at this picture, I couldn’t believe this was me.  You see, like Barbara Streisand’s character, I had lost my way, too.  I had forgotten who I was.  It seemed everything I had been doing in my life for so many years was part of a journey to take me right back here – to being who I always was, this fun, happy, loved and confident person, much like what happened with Barbara Streisand’s character.

Quote from The Mirror Has Two Faces:
Mother:  Do you know what I thought when you were a baby?  That you looked just like your dad, and that Claire looked like me.
Rose:  (looking at an old picture of little girl) What’s that? She was so pretty, even then. Look at those eyes. Those lips.
Mother:  That’s not Claire, that’s you.
Rose:  Me? I never saw this picture.
Mother: I found it when I was cleaning up.
Rose:  This was me?  I was pretty?
Mother:  Your father adored you. But you know that.  He never felt that way about Claire. Only you.  I don’t think he ever held a baby until you came.  He never wanted to let you go.
Rose:  I’m glad you found this.
Mother:  So am I.
Rose:  She was very pretty.
Mother:  You were very pretty. Remember that.

So, as I look at this picture of this fun, happy, loved and confident little girl, I am telling myself, “That’s me. Remember that. That’s the real me. The me before the ugliness of the world. The me before I lost my way. If ever I need to find myself, I need not look any further than this picture.”

We all need one of these pictures. It does not matter the age you are in the picture. Just find at least one picture of yourself where you shine, not just shine on the outside, but shine on the inside, too – you at the top of your game, confident and happy. Put these pictures where you can see them every day. And, remember, you do not have to find yourself. You just have to remember who you are.

P.S. Please note the pose. This is why I cannot wear dresses to this day.

Do you have a picture of you shining? 

(originally written July 31, 2009)

Have you found yourself hearing the voice of others in your head? Have you found that you are editing who you are to make those voices happy or at least not to anger them so they won’t say more mean things to you? Are those voices louder than your own?

If so, you are not alone. There are countless others in therapy trying to silence these voices. Oh, what damage is done by people speaking their mind who are either mean-spirited or do not have a clue what they are doing, sometimes both.

The voices in my head tell me to be quiet and that whatever I say will be wrong. I tend to edit what I would say out of fear. Fear that the people I am talking to will agree with the voices. But now I find myself saying to hell with the voices (and the superficial editing that leaves me void and empty of all healthy and sincere emotion), and I am following my own voice, a voice that loves and appreciates art and beauty, and cares so very deeply, a voice that encourages and hugs and says I love you. I now go inside myself and speak my true heart, a heart that cares so much.

When I hear the voices in my head but choose to let the voice in my heart overrule, I touch people in ways that I never would have otherwise. While I do not always know what to say, I just say what I feel totally and completely from my heart. And I feel like for the first time in my life I am touching people. It’s like our hearts connect for that brief moment. Because what I am saying is real. People really can see your true heart when you let it show. And if they are of the very small part of the population can’t see a person’s true heart, then they are either not worth it anyway, or sadly they are probably listening to the voices in their head, but don’t let them silence the beautiful and caring you that is inside. Don’t let them silence who you are.

Why, oh why, have I let my voice be silenced over the years?

You will always know when you are speaking from your true heart. In that brief second when all is quiet and you are trusting your instinct only, the real you will flow out. When this happens, you are never worrying what others will think or about what you say. You are only speaking a sincere and caring truth that is utterly and completely real and transparent. It’s void of all selfishness and touches hearts in the deepest and most sincere way that you could ever imagine. Many times people are thinking about themselves and wanting to say the right thing, and that shows. Even if our conscious minds do not notice, our subconscious minds do. While it’s all well meaning, it’s not focused on the other person near as much as it is them. We have to let go of wanting to be perfect, wanting and needing to be a hero and be real. Really real.

Let people know you care. From your heart. For real. One of the many things I learned in real estate was that people do not care what you know until they know that you care. If they have said or done something that moves you, speak from your heart and tell them.

If someone is hurting, empathize, but don’t pretend to put yourself in shoes you’ve never worn. Just be honest even if it is saying I care so much that I don’t know what to say. Sometimes a good hug will even say what words cannot say. We want to make it better for them. That’s all they want, too. While you may never know what they are thinking and feeling, you can both agree that you want it to be better for them. And believe with them that it will.

At this point, you may be wondering how do you silence the voices that have lived inside your head for so long? These voices have become such a part of our lives that you may not even realize they are not your own voice anymore. And just so we are clear, I’m not talking about actual voices. I’m talking about the voices that represent your hurt and rejection. It might be the way someone has treated you over and over in your life, so much so that you expect it from everyone else. So how do we silence those voices? Baby steps. For that one moment, think what you would say if there were no other voices in your head and you were fully present in that moment. Say that. The more we do this, the more we begin to find our true, authentic selves.

Find your voice, live out loud. The world is out there just waiting on the real you to show up!

What have you found that helps to silence the old messages in your head?